Dear Ebay,
Your motto is very catchy, "Whatever it is . . . you can get it on Ebay." However, as catchy as this may be, it is not true. I recently searched for a few grams of Makaibari's Plantation Darjeeling Tea, the world's most expensive tea, and was not able to locate it . . . hmm? What do you have to say for yourself now Ebay? I guess you don't have everything.
I also looked for Weapons Grade Uranium, and although plentiful in pre-war Iraq, I was not able to find it on Ebay. It has to be somewhere, I mean, it wasn't there when we invaded.
I also searched for the missing 18.5 minutes of Richard Nixon's Oval Office tapes, but was unable to locate them on your site . . . Truth Hunter 3, Ebay 0.
I was able to find a bottle of Chateau Petrus, but it wasn't the 82 that I was looking for, it was a Grand Vin from an off year. I still keep racking up victories here.
I also looked for my favorite made-up word, clogdenfoffer, but was unable to find that.
Therefore, I hope you'll consider revising your motto to "We've got a lot of stuff." It's simple and true.
Sincerely,
Man who still loves Ebay
Friday, June 1, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Dear McCormick Spices,
Dear McCormick Spices,
Your directions state, "Use a dash to 1/8 tsp in most recipes for 4 servings unless very hot food is desired. Increase to suit taste. Cook with dried beans.
Your use of the imperative, "Cook with dried beans" concerns me because now I must always either A. cook with dried beans for the rest of my life, or B. use your seasoning when cooking with dried beans. Either way, I don't like it. Let me explain.
An imperative sentence gives a direct command. Your command to cook with dried beans has now been thrust upon the public. I do not understand how you could issue such an imperative. Must I now add a dried bean to everything I cook? This doesn't seem American to me. If I were living in France, I wouldn't mind it because they regulate everything. They even have an Academy that regulates the proper use of the French Language. As for me, I like a little freedom. However, since I am keen on following the instructions on the products I purchase, I will now throw a dried bean into everything I cook, and also put an 1/8 tsp of your product in everything I cook. I wish I hadn't even purchased your product. Now I am a slave to your product for the rest of my life, and a slave to the dried bean manufacturers of the world.
Sincerely,
Very Upset and Gassy
P.S., Do you think you could send me some bean recipes? It seems like I will be eating quite a few for the rest of my life. Also, some coupons for your product would be great.
Your directions state, "Use a dash to 1/8 tsp in most recipes for 4 servings unless very hot food is desired. Increase to suit taste. Cook with dried beans.
Your use of the imperative, "Cook with dried beans" concerns me because now I must always either A. cook with dried beans for the rest of my life, or B. use your seasoning when cooking with dried beans. Either way, I don't like it. Let me explain.
An imperative sentence gives a direct command. Your command to cook with dried beans has now been thrust upon the public. I do not understand how you could issue such an imperative. Must I now add a dried bean to everything I cook? This doesn't seem American to me. If I were living in France, I wouldn't mind it because they regulate everything. They even have an Academy that regulates the proper use of the French Language. As for me, I like a little freedom. However, since I am keen on following the instructions on the products I purchase, I will now throw a dried bean into everything I cook, and also put an 1/8 tsp of your product in everything I cook. I wish I hadn't even purchased your product. Now I am a slave to your product for the rest of my life, and a slave to the dried bean manufacturers of the world.
Sincerely,
Very Upset and Gassy
P.S., Do you think you could send me some bean recipes? It seems like I will be eating quite a few for the rest of my life. Also, some coupons for your product would be great.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Dear Starbucks Coffee
Dear Starbucks,
The side of your cup has little boxes that beg to be checked. They say, Decaf, Shots, Syrup, Milk, Custom, Drink.
My question centers around the Drink box. Shouldn't this box be checked all of the time? This could lead to an exestential crisis that not even Jean Paul Sarte could solve. If you do not check the Drink box, you are admitting that it is something other than a drink, and if it is no longer a drink, I shouldn't be drinking it. I took my chances today, and made it a drink by the very act of drinking, even though it wasn't technically a drink because you failed to label it as such. How are we to function without sign/symbol relationships? Our world would become unitelligible.
I would recommend two things to solve this problem and avert the paradigm shift which must inevitably flow from your sloppy labeling techniques. First, you could have a check mark printed inside the Drink box. That way you are always admitting that that which goes inside the cup is a drink. Unless, of course you are putting things in the cup which aren't technically drinks. For instance, let's assume that you run out of plates and one of your baristas decides to place a muffin inside the cup. In that case, it should definitely not be defined as a drink. So maybe the first option, printing a check mark on all the cups in the drink box, would not completely insure that everything that goes inside the cup is a drink because, you would have to make certain that a rogue barista never put anything in the cup which isn't a drink. I don't think you can assure the public of that.
The second option is to totally remove the Drink box, and let the public decide whether that which is in the cup is potable or not. However, by doing this, you relinquish some of your previously held powers to define. It's your call.
One more thing, the Custom box is slightly irrelevant. Anyhing that isn't your regular, is by definition, custom. Therfore, you might wan't to remove the Custom box and replace it with a "Regular" box. This will give us a more precise idea of what we are actually drinking. Thank You.
Yours Very Truly,
Man Who Finds Philosophical Conundrums in all things.
P.S. You could be extremely precise and put the following box: Drink, unless something that isn't a drink is in your cup, in which case it is not a drink. If you cannot determine whether it is a drink or not, don't drink it because if it isn't a drink, and you drink it, you have taken it upon yourself to label it as a drink, and therefore have abnegated its original existence, thus causing a pardigm shift for which we cannot be responsible.
The side of your cup has little boxes that beg to be checked. They say, Decaf, Shots, Syrup, Milk, Custom, Drink.
My question centers around the Drink box. Shouldn't this box be checked all of the time? This could lead to an exestential crisis that not even Jean Paul Sarte could solve. If you do not check the Drink box, you are admitting that it is something other than a drink, and if it is no longer a drink, I shouldn't be drinking it. I took my chances today, and made it a drink by the very act of drinking, even though it wasn't technically a drink because you failed to label it as such. How are we to function without sign/symbol relationships? Our world would become unitelligible.
I would recommend two things to solve this problem and avert the paradigm shift which must inevitably flow from your sloppy labeling techniques. First, you could have a check mark printed inside the Drink box. That way you are always admitting that that which goes inside the cup is a drink. Unless, of course you are putting things in the cup which aren't technically drinks. For instance, let's assume that you run out of plates and one of your baristas decides to place a muffin inside the cup. In that case, it should definitely not be defined as a drink. So maybe the first option, printing a check mark on all the cups in the drink box, would not completely insure that everything that goes inside the cup is a drink because, you would have to make certain that a rogue barista never put anything in the cup which isn't a drink. I don't think you can assure the public of that.
The second option is to totally remove the Drink box, and let the public decide whether that which is in the cup is potable or not. However, by doing this, you relinquish some of your previously held powers to define. It's your call.
One more thing, the Custom box is slightly irrelevant. Anyhing that isn't your regular, is by definition, custom. Therfore, you might wan't to remove the Custom box and replace it with a "Regular" box. This will give us a more precise idea of what we are actually drinking. Thank You.
Yours Very Truly,
Man Who Finds Philosophical Conundrums in all things.
P.S. You could be extremely precise and put the following box: Drink, unless something that isn't a drink is in your cup, in which case it is not a drink. If you cannot determine whether it is a drink or not, don't drink it because if it isn't a drink, and you drink it, you have taken it upon yourself to label it as a drink, and therefore have abnegated its original existence, thus causing a pardigm shift for which we cannot be responsible.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Dear Harney and Sons
Dear Harney and Sons,
The back of your tea tin says, "The Correct Way to Brew Black Tea." It then gives the following directions:
Heat pot with boiling water until warm to touch. Discard that water and use one sachet for two cups of tea. Pour boiling water over sachet and steep 5 minutes.
I have a few questions:
1. Do I immerse the pot in the boiling water, because your directions say, "heat pot with boiling water until warm to touch.?"
2. After I discard the water that I heated my pot with, what do I do? Add more water?
3. You then tell me to pour boiling water over sachet and steep for five minutes. What boiling water? I already poured the water out. You told me to discard it.
This is all very confusing to me. I was hoping to drink a cup of tea. I heard that tea has a pleasant taste, but all I am looking at now is an empty pot that is warm to the touch. The sachet is inside, but I have no boiling water, as per you second set of instructions.
Please help me, I'm sinking in an infinitude of boils and reboils.
Yours Very Truly,
Man who thinks tea would taste good if he had some good instructions on how to make it.
The back of your tea tin says, "The Correct Way to Brew Black Tea." It then gives the following directions:
Heat pot with boiling water until warm to touch. Discard that water and use one sachet for two cups of tea. Pour boiling water over sachet and steep 5 minutes.
I have a few questions:
1. Do I immerse the pot in the boiling water, because your directions say, "heat pot with boiling water until warm to touch.?"
2. After I discard the water that I heated my pot with, what do I do? Add more water?
3. You then tell me to pour boiling water over sachet and steep for five minutes. What boiling water? I already poured the water out. You told me to discard it.
This is all very confusing to me. I was hoping to drink a cup of tea. I heard that tea has a pleasant taste, but all I am looking at now is an empty pot that is warm to the touch. The sachet is inside, but I have no boiling water, as per you second set of instructions.
Please help me, I'm sinking in an infinitude of boils and reboils.
Yours Very Truly,
Man who thinks tea would taste good if he had some good instructions on how to make it.
Dear Jay Z
Dear Jay Z,
I was listening to your song, "Big Pimpin," from the MTV Unplugged series. In that song you say, "On a canopy, my stamina be, enough for Pamela Anderson Lee."
This masterful, albeit unintelligible, bit of rhyme gave me cause for much thought. I wondered how being on a canopy gave you more stamina. Would you have the same amount of stamina if you were on, say, a simple overhang? Also, how do you know that you have more stamina on a canopy? Have you ever been on a canopy?
Perhaps you meant a canopy in the rain forest sense of the word. Do you mean when you are in the upper level of the rain forest, in the canopy, you have more stamina? I must admit that these words, although well rhymed and clever, make no sense to me. Is it because I am not a regular consumer of rap? Do you think if I listened to more rap I would "get it?" I don't think so. Well anyway, keep up the good work, but please try to make more sense next time.
Thank You,
Rap Critic
P.S., If being on a canopy gives you more stamina, you might want to alert certain scientists. They might want to publish your findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.
I was listening to your song, "Big Pimpin," from the MTV Unplugged series. In that song you say, "On a canopy, my stamina be, enough for Pamela Anderson Lee."
This masterful, albeit unintelligible, bit of rhyme gave me cause for much thought. I wondered how being on a canopy gave you more stamina. Would you have the same amount of stamina if you were on, say, a simple overhang? Also, how do you know that you have more stamina on a canopy? Have you ever been on a canopy?
Perhaps you meant a canopy in the rain forest sense of the word. Do you mean when you are in the upper level of the rain forest, in the canopy, you have more stamina? I must admit that these words, although well rhymed and clever, make no sense to me. Is it because I am not a regular consumer of rap? Do you think if I listened to more rap I would "get it?" I don't think so. Well anyway, keep up the good work, but please try to make more sense next time.
Thank You,
Rap Critic
P.S., If being on a canopy gives you more stamina, you might want to alert certain scientists. They might want to publish your findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Dear Walmart
Dear Walmart,
I would like to recommend that you build a big store, really big. Maybe you could call your store a Super Center. Granted, I haven't been in a Walmart in about 15 years, but I think it would go over really well. Here's a plan to get this idea off the ground:
1. Purchase about 20 acres of land and make about 10 acres of that a parking lot.
2. Hire about three hundred employees, only 10 percent of them should actually be willing to help people and do work. The other 270 should exist for the simple pleasure of denying them health insurance. After all, they really aren't helping people.
3. Since you would call it a Super Center, think big, like the Super Dome, before that damage occurred to it.
4. Get as many different types of things from all over the globe, but mainly from China . . . China will be your best friend.
5. Finally, hire lawyers to fight the anti-progessives in the communities who will obviously oppose this new Super Center. Some people are opposed to change no matter how good it is.
Oh yes, one more thing. . . if you are able to build your new Super Center on Sacred Indian Burial Grounds, or if you can tear down mom and pop stores, you'll be better in the long run.
Sincerely,
Guy that liked Walmart before they became so small.
I would like to recommend that you build a big store, really big. Maybe you could call your store a Super Center. Granted, I haven't been in a Walmart in about 15 years, but I think it would go over really well. Here's a plan to get this idea off the ground:
1. Purchase about 20 acres of land and make about 10 acres of that a parking lot.
2. Hire about three hundred employees, only 10 percent of them should actually be willing to help people and do work. The other 270 should exist for the simple pleasure of denying them health insurance. After all, they really aren't helping people.
3. Since you would call it a Super Center, think big, like the Super Dome, before that damage occurred to it.
4. Get as many different types of things from all over the globe, but mainly from China . . . China will be your best friend.
5. Finally, hire lawyers to fight the anti-progessives in the communities who will obviously oppose this new Super Center. Some people are opposed to change no matter how good it is.
Oh yes, one more thing. . . if you are able to build your new Super Center on Sacred Indian Burial Grounds, or if you can tear down mom and pop stores, you'll be better in the long run.
Sincerely,
Guy that liked Walmart before they became so small.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Dear Public
Dear Public,
I like to make up words that sound funny. Here are a few for your consideration. I have no idea what they mean, but if you have any recommendations, submit them.
Clogdenfoffer
Bjorkindanker
Sveitzmeiffer
Spancktdoggle
If you can tell me what these mean, I'd be very appreciative.
Sincerely,
Guy that likes to make up funny sounding words
I like to make up words that sound funny. Here are a few for your consideration. I have no idea what they mean, but if you have any recommendations, submit them.
Clogdenfoffer
Bjorkindanker
Sveitzmeiffer
Spancktdoggle
If you can tell me what these mean, I'd be very appreciative.
Sincerely,
Guy that likes to make up funny sounding words
Dear K-Y Jelly Producers,
Dear KY Jelly Manufacturer,I humbly submit to you that your product should be relabeled to read: "KY Jelly-- Not Kiwi Jelly, I repeat NOT Kiwi Jelly."I say this because one can get really confused. Let us assume that a person knows that they like Kiwis, but they have not seen the word Kiwi. They could theoretically purchase your product and believe that they were getting Kiwi Jelly, and not KY jelly. KY, you see, and Kiwi, are very similar sounds. Trust me, I know that they are very similar sounds.
I was hungry one evening so I went to the store. I was browsing the isles when I saw your KY Jelly. Great, I thought to myself, finally someone put jelly in a squeeze tube. I knew that I liked Kiwis, but I never spent the time to discover how to spell Kiwi.
All I can say is YUK . . . There is an upside though, I speak much faster because my vocal chords are well lubricated.
Thank You,
Man Who Now Knows How to Spell Kiwi
Warning: Don't eat Kiwi, I mean KY Jelly, it really doesn't lubricate your vocal chords.
I was hungry one evening so I went to the store. I was browsing the isles when I saw your KY Jelly. Great, I thought to myself, finally someone put jelly in a squeeze tube. I knew that I liked Kiwis, but I never spent the time to discover how to spell Kiwi.
All I can say is YUK . . . There is an upside though, I speak much faster because my vocal chords are well lubricated.
Thank You,
Man Who Now Knows How to Spell Kiwi
Warning: Don't eat Kiwi, I mean KY Jelly, it really doesn't lubricate your vocal chords.
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